As a cacophony of thoughts rage through my mind, I skeptically seek a measure solace by attempting their utterance forthwith.

 

Yesterday someone told me that the recently popular song, “Break Your Heart,” by Taio Cruz is “my song.” That is to say, it is the song that best describes me. The implication being I am a heart breaker. I was initially somewhat taken aback by this, as I’ve never worn such a label before. Then I thought through life, and indeed, I have broken a number of hearts. As I consider those instances, a startling common denominator emerged.

 

In almost every case, the reason I broke someone’s heart was because I was concerned about doing what was right–doing God’s will as He revealed it to me. Then I questioned, is right-doing is most often the cause of immediate pain and suffering? The more I consider it, the more I begin to think so. Interestingly enough, in the times when I have been most concerned about doing what is right, I have broken the most hearts, while alternatively, when I am least concerned about right-doing, few if any broken hearts fall in my wake. Am I to conclude the more care I take, the more hearts I break? It would appear so.

 

As I am now only consciously considering this, I turn to look at the past few weeks of my life to discover that my subconscious mind has already considered it and taken a “remedial” course of action. I find myself caring less, restraining myself less, and consequently breaking hearts less. Problem solved?

 

No.

 

While it would appear that everyone is happy now, appearances are deceitful. The conscience remains active and vocal. I attempt to silence it with arguments, but it will not be hushed. The voice that speaks within me asks me who I am. Since when have I been one to travel the course of least resistance? Since when has apathy been a foundational element of my life’s philosophy? Never. So why now?

 

Am I truly happy?

 

I don’t know. I try to reconcile doing what’s right and hurting others, or not caring, and everyone being happy, and ask myself what the responsible thing to do is. No answer comes. What say you?